heartless biatch

I was once called a “heartless cold biatch”! Everyone goes to some phases in their lives where they feel shit or do some shitty things. I, for one, can attest to that gruesome truth. Modesty aside, I’m one of the many “living proofs” that people do change. Most of the people I know can give that as a positive testimony. (And I’m giving myself a pat in the back for a job well done.) Ahem.

Kidding aside, memory lane hits my cerebral as I become hooked to a simple song entitled “Heartless by Kanye West”. The lyrics sorta reminded me of “my past crazy life” more than a decade ago. It has been ages but whenever I go back to that “old door”, I always feel elated to what life has given me now.

Why was I a “heartless cold biatch”? Maybe it started only as a defensive mechanism, when you felt vulnerable to every single emotion that life has to offer that eventually it started to slowly eat you up into unimaginable pieces tearing you apart inside and out.

It all started with a failed relationship that made me felt trash. Crash and burn deeply into the abyss of darkness. I felt used, abused and left hanging in the cliff of painful and slow death my heart. Along the path of recovery, I wounded many people’s emotion, destroyed their peaceful turf. Pretended I loved and cared for them and hurt them as if I wasn’t feeling any remorse or whatsoever. I wanted revenge for whatever reasons and whoever I’m with.

Looking back, I savored the topsy-turvy world of my bittersweet symphony--- full of grudges, pain and suffering. Then, finally it hit me like a thunderbolt that life is indeed sometimes cruel but you don’t have to be one in order to survive this game called life.

It was a very difficult and challenging journey to despise all the many temptations that the Devil has to offer. But as they say its all in the mind and heart. Focus to change. Have the courage to face your demons and transform your life for better even the best.

Many people think they are doomed to failure. They feel they cannot afford to crawl back up to the deep ground from which they themselves dig. They feel they are buried to this ground forever. But come to think of it, however deep shit you are in and whatever it may possibly be… there will come a time that someone UP there will lift you up and aid you towards the right path. If and only if, realization hits you and you yelled.. “Help!”

As the lyrics echoes in the labyrinths of my eardrum…
“Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...”

I was once a heartless biatch because I also lost my soul along that crooked road. And I was sorry for those past to whom I have been a cold heartless biatch.

But when I finally walked the road less traveled, my soul found its way back home to me--- a renewed soul breathing a new life far from what I have dreamt of, the best life ever!

So, I say a prayer full of gratitude, as always… (winks)