separation anxiety

2yrs of bumhood. 2yrs of housewife-hood. 2 blissful years. 2yrs roller coaster ride of emotions.
Am I going crazy?!

As I cry myself like a baby in literally a fetal position late at night. I began to wonder whether I’m really going crazy or I’m already crazy. Too bad, I only ended up with swollen chinky eyes, red stuffed nose, throbbing headache, heavy feeling and a stressful downfall.

My hubby was leaving again for Cebu for some work assignments and this time I’m not coming for the simple reason of probably getting to start a job soon. But why am I not happy of landing a job most people want to have?!? I really don’t know. Sometimes I can’t comprehend my being. I wanna get a job. I don’t wanna get a job. I’m happy being a bum. I’m not happy being a bum. Job or no job. Happy or not happy?!

For the past 2years, I believe I lost my self esteem in terms of career wise. I lost my confidence down the drain! That’s why, most of the time I feel I’m not worthy of such job opportunities coming my way. Thus, I end up not grabbing anything. The problem lies within me! I’m not one person who gets a job just for the mere reason of money and fame. I get a job that I think I’m happy deep inside. Job satisfaction for me comes from within, not only because of monetary benefits but because I believe I can be a better me when I have this kind of job. It may not be practical; it’s even altruistic in nature. But that’s how I see it. What’s the point of having a job that pays so high or even low when you’re not happily contented doing that kind of prestigious or even low key job?!? It’s very difficult to wake up each day with a heavy heart, trying to walk on a heavy road of your work. It’s like you’re literally dragging your chained feet just to work. Do you see my point?!

I felt that when I worked abroad. That’s why, I promised myself I will never allow it to happen again. But most of the opportunities knocking my way, leads me to such gruesome moments again! And I wonder, why?! Was it all a test of courage for me?! If it was, well sadly, I got defeated! Crash and burn alive!

When my hubby delivered me the news of his re assignment again in down south, it was also the day I got the news that I will be starting work soon. I felt ambivalent. I felt sad because my hubby will not be physically there to support me in my “1st week in hell”. Literally, I was like a toddler who for the 1st time goes to school and cries so loud because their parents are going to leave them alone. Do you get the picture?!

According to wikipedia:

Separation anxiety disorder is a psychological condition in
which an individual has excessive anxiety regarding separation
from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment
(like a mother). Present in all age groups, adult separation anxiety disorder
(affecting roughly 7% of adults) is more common than childhood separation
anxiety disorder (affecting approximately 4% of children).

I think I'm having a separation anxiety. Anxiously separating from my hubby physically, who’s my ultimate support system and has a strong attachment of course. Separation anxiety from the reality of bumhood to working class. Argh! I really can’t explain that much. My emotions are intertwined with lots of complexities. My stress level is causing my health to deteriote. My mind is losing it’s sanity state! I’m really really really lost in this career mess that I got myself in.

I really don’t know now… I’m at lost and I hope I’ll soon find the right way to my redeem my insanity, soon! Better hurry up!